[When i think about Judaism and my relationships and identities that have been formed through it, i tend to critique normative notions of god, the Israeli Palestinian conflict, sexist rituals, and “chosenness” or express my love for the ways in which our sages wrestled with text and tradition, our emphasis on action, and ethics rooted in narrative. But in the midst of threats to reproductive rights and preparing for confirmation ceremony i was quite cavalier about, i subconsciously started to think a lot about the intersection of a few other ideas that affect how i embody a spectrum of spaces].
My mom learned to cook from superstitious women
I don’t know how she learned to pray
And in some sense, that’s the essence of prayer
in hevruta, shared study
the calm rabbi asked
Us to share a Memory of togetherness
I said—prayer
Unlike the week of
desired burdens
In the patience of Shabbat,
Jen said with utmost sincerity—that’s weird
People are alone in prayer
Prayer is private
But rustling through recipes, i say, prayer is communal
Since before i had a name:
Ushering in Shabbat candles with three gestures
Still and quiet
We should be patient because it is brief
But we are joking because it is sacred
Zach and i elbow each other laughing
as the match refuses to light,
Also a part of the ritual.
Since the liturgy was written:
We learn the words I don’t want to claim
The words I love like
salt and honey
(because I don’t even like honey, i like its metaphor)
Since i heard the song sung:
on and off key
Looking at the stained glass
The Aron HaKodesh and Ner Tamid
Singing דרכי נועם וכל נתיבותיה שלום – Its ways are ways of pleasantness, and all its paths are peace
You say: prayer is private
If prayer is private, are we free to refrain from the commandment: be fruitful and multiply?
The rabbi wrote: Torah does not burden women with a commandment to have children
for Childbirth poses a threat to her life
They say, she also isn’t burdened with teaching them Torah
but I say it’s a desired burden and she is
Although the Torah's wars are fertility wars
And Torah wasn’t pained with overpopulation
She still feels obligated
still desires
I told her not to sing
And she does
She told me not to say Kaddish
And so I don’t
My mom learned to cook from superstitious women
I know the Kaddish they told her not to say
as if uttering the words of memory
isn't kosher
we don’t say Kaddish in full
But we do say a few words
To share in the memory
And distrust in our memories
so we can sift through photo albums and
so my children can reinterpret recipes with Bubbe’s rolling pin
doubting memory is a way of pleasantness and when we capture memories — their paths are prayers of peace
lovely
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