Assignment 22: Emma Lauritzen- the other side

Ive written about this before, but this prompt made me want to write about it again.
Anyone who knew me in middle school or early high school knows part of this story, but not all of it. To them, I am the girl that disappeared for two months in 8th grade and then five months in 9th grade. I dont like telling people about these times, because theyve already made their own assumptions, the craziest being that I was pregnant, dead, or legally insane. None of those are true and those rumors really hurt, but heres the truth:
I was hospitalized for the first time for an attempted suicide in 8th grade. I stayed at the ridge for about 9 days, which was one of the worst experiences of my life because I went through some trauma there that I wont get into. Fast forward a year and I tried again, except this time I went and stayed at a place called Linder for over a month. During these times I wasnt allowed to talk to anyone and I didnt have any friends and I struggled desperately with self harm. This was also the time I was diagnosed with an eating disorder and I had to go through treatment for that. By the end of my stay and countless hours of tests and studies I was also diagnosed with type 2 bipolar disorder. I try to stay clinical when I say all of this because I know as a reader none of this is nice to read, but this is my unusual circumstance of living. Its not a fun one, but its mine.
For some reason people think this is my deep dark secret, but its not. Ive always been open about this because I hope it will help people to better understand me and why I am the way that I am. Living with bipolar disorder as a teenager is especially hard because sometimes I dont know if im going through a manic stage, or if im simply being an eager 17 year old enjoying life as its heights. When im going through my depressive stages I can barely wake up, and when im faced with smiling teachers and classmates I just feel nothing and want to sink into the earth. I alsonow live with the constant struggle of convincing mean people that I am what I am and that Im not crazy. Trying to balance recovery, treatment, medicine, and appointments with therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists all while staying on top of classes feels impossible sometimes. Every month is a new mixture of breakdowns, highs, and coping.
I am not my mental illness, thats not why Im writing this, but to fully understand me, you must understand my circumstances. Its a lot easier to sympathize with the girl randomly crying in class, or having panic attack in the hallway when you understand why its happening. A lot of my classmates just assume im really emotional and moody when the reality is that its out of my control.
Ive learned so much from this though, Ive learned to never judge someone before truly getting to know them. Ive learned how to multi task to the extremes and use my emotions to my own and others betterment. Ive learned emotional regulation and how to help others when theyre struggling. Going through all of this has made me a stronger person and the person I am today. Because of all of this I know exactly what is best for me. Its the reason I love American University because of its size, location, proximity to hospitals and treatment services.
I hope this wasnt painful to read because trust me it was more painful to live, but this is my life and I wouldnt change anything because I am the person I am today because I had to overcome all of this.