assignment #20 - lily gardner: just girly things

My name is synonymous with the word “truant,” or it was until we stopped going to school altogether. Thirty days. Common sense would say that I should be booted, or at least failing half of my classes. Some of my teachers might concur. But alas, here I am, sitting at home on account of state orders, not of my own flippancy.

Many times I have credited WikiHow with teaching me the fundamentals of living life. It taught me more than my mother ever could: how to cut bangs, put in a tampon, manage my time. It was my solace in the dark ages of being a “tween,” when nothing applied and everything applied and all the world was a mess of pubescent jumble.

It never taught me how to skip school.

So here we are, one step closer to a WikiHow byline, here to explain the fundamentals.

1) Inform everyone in advance, preferably at the beginning of the school year. I often think I have quite a bit to write on the little get to know you turkeys that consume the first few days of school. Between talking far too much and missing half the semester, best characterized as general obnoxiousness, I must justify my fatal flaws before they even begin to manifest. Of course, I email in the hours before I depart on my next flight, but I find that setting everyone up with low expectations of my in-person performance going into the game is greatly beneficial.

2) Leave. Perhaps this is the easiest part, once you’ve done your due warning, you can simply exit. Some have recommended that I try to take tests and quizzes before I depart, but I know either way I will be returning to work hell, so why ruin my time away as well?

3) Become best friends with the attendance ladies. This is, perhaps, the most crucial step. I recommend buying pedicures as end of year gifts, and bringing small presents at random. Even stopping in to say “hello” on the days you’re present does a world of good. I reached the best friends stage freshman year, since then, I’ve turned in unlimited notes for many excused absences.

4) Do only the work absolutely necessary. Returning back from a many day hiatus can only be described as an agnostic’s edition of hell. It is overwhelming, to say the least. Of course, the clearest recommendation is to do some of the upcoming work prior to departure. But we’re here to be realistic. Upon return, do your homework for the days you missed first, stopping only the fill in lapses in understanding. In a very structured way, you must next read up on all of the content you missed, texting your friends to ensure maximum understanding. It is only after those steps that one can actually begin the arduous process of making up the busy work of the days. Always check Infinite Campus, as half the things are, suggestions. Know that you will not be working out or sleeping until you have caught up, only to do it all over again two weeks later.

And so is my cycle, week after week, four day absence after four day absence. But of course, life would be nothing but the incarnation of nails on the chalkboard if not running, running, running.